Avoiding Autopilot in Your Marriage

On our two year anniversary, Russell and I talked about our priorities for year three. One of them was to avoid “autopilot” in our marriage. Our first two years were a myriad of activities, changes, adjustments, and of course, all those “in love” endorphins running through our veins. Since we are finally settled for a bit in North Carolina and research tells us those hormones level out twelve to thirty-six months into a relationship, we don’t want year three to shift us into autopilot mode. Since our conversation, I’ve talked with a few of my friends about the same topic, and it made me think — we want to avoid it, but what are some of the practical steps we have in place to do that? 

So without further ado, here’s our list — I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic, whether single or married, in the comment section!

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1. Weekly (or bi-weekly at least!) Date Night

Before marriage, I never realized the importance of this. I honestly thought it was something we wouldn’t really have to put into practice until post children. Oh how wrong I was… I’m sure children will put date nights into a whole other category of importance, but even without children, our weekly date night is beyond valuable. We try to go out, just to get away from the household to-do lists that always vie for our attention (not to mention the puppy child) at home, but we also enjoy take out and a movie as well, especially when we’re watching the budget. We’ve also done date breakfasts, afternoon dates, and day dates. The important part is the reconnecting that happens when you are intentional in spending time with one another while disconnected from the distractions of daily life.

2. Weekly Check-In with Questions

This habit in our marriage is thanks to Scott Kedersha, the marriage pastor at Watermark Church in Dallas. (His blog and ministry is a great marriage resource, by the way — see #8.) We started our check-in after he came and gave a marriage seminar at our North Carolina church. You can find the suggested questions here in his post about the weekly meeting. We have chosen Sunday night as our night to do our check-in, and it makes such a difference in our week, we can always feel it when we miss it.

3. Connect to a local church and cultivate accountability relationships as a couple within a small group or the church community.

Finding a local body of Christ followers is crucial for us to keep our priorities straight and to remember the promises we made to each other before God. Many veteran married couples have told us that being involved in a church saved their marriage.

Going to church on Sundays is important, but when you and your spouse are going through a difficult season, do you have a community you can be authentic and brutally honest with? Do you have people who will speak truth into your marriage? Cultivate friendships with people who are “For Your Marriage” not “For You.” Whether this is a young married small group through your church (our group of choice) or some trusted couples from your community of believers, you and your spouse need a safe place to be honest. Sin and struggle thrives in darkness — with authentic community, you can bring all the mess into the light and begin working together to clean it up.

4. Recognize and Flee from the Comparison Trap (aka Social Media)

We fight to remember this in the age of technology, but the fact is — marriage is seasonal. Everyone’s is. No matter how much social media says otherwise. No marriage is “instafiltered” perfection twenty-four seven. There will be seasons where you both don’t like the other very much, weeks when “adulting” is just too much, days when daily responsibilities are overwhelming, and seasons when unimaginable storms in life threaten to tear you apart. If you fall into that comparison trap during these times, you’re left wondering why ALL your friends and their spouses seem to be relaxing on a beach with that honeymoon glow while your family is struggling. Remember — there’s a reason they call it a snapshot – it’s a filtered, split second glimpse into someone else’s entire life. Don’t assume the grass is always greener — most often its astroturf — fake and temporary. We all experience marital seasons.

5. Start looking for a mentor couple.

We are still working on this in North Carolina, but we had two mentor couples in Texas who I’m sure would still let us call them up if we needed them. 🙂 This was an idea shared with us in our pre-marital class at our Dallas church. The leaders encouraged us to find a couple that had been married for (ideally) quite a few years more than us who would be united “for our marriage” not for us as individuals. This is a couple we could be completely vulnerable with about issues, disagreements, victories, or struggles, and they would help us remember why we promised forever by being an unbiased resource. (*Therefore, this would not be our parents…nor siblings…nor our best friends…they cannot be completely unbiased, no matter what they might think…)

6. Be open to asking for help/seeking counseling.

In our Texas pre-marital class, a couple told us that one of their close friends had a standing counseling appointment with a trusted marriage therapist every year around their anniversary. Some years it was a quick check-up — and other years the one appointment turned into multiple on their calendars. However, this was their way of prioritizing their marriage by having a third party evaluate their marriage’s health every year to avoid surprises down the road. Russell and I love this idea, and we have already talked about being open to counseling in the future even if everything seems ok on the surface.  A thriving marriage is worth being humble enough to ask for help.

7. Remember, besides Jesus, your priority is your spouse.

This has been a point of conviction lately in my own life as I have begun school, continued working, and attempted to keep our household running. It’s been easy for me to push Russell down on the priority list or become resentful when I feel he doesn’t realize how busy I am. Yet my selfishness with my time and energy is never more evident as when I choose getting lost in a book, TV show, or social media versus reconnecting with my spouse. He’s my partner in life, in both the good and bad times, and pushing him away is only leading us to push autopilot in our marriage instead of working to thrive within it.

8. Find encouraging marriage resources.

Marriage can be a topic that everyone has an opinion about — whether positive or negative. Don’t make the local marriage Eeyore your go-to when you’ve hit a rough patch — you don’t need more negativity along with your already turbulent emotions. What you need is empathy, honesty, and people who are currently walking through marriage themselves and believe it is a covenant relationship before God until death do you part. Whether you find those resources in podcasts, books, people, or blogs– seek out positivity and authentic, practical advice.

Here are some of my favorite resources so far (please share yours in the comments!!):

Favorite marriage podcasts: Marriage More, Top Christian Marriage Podcasts (via Marriage More)

Favorite marriage books: Every Man’s Battle, Every Woman’s Battle, Sheet Music, Sacred Marriage, Captivating, Wild at Heart, The Five Love Languages (at the very least, know what each other’s language is!), The Meaning of Marriage, Dave Ramsay’s The Total Money Makeover (Not labeled as a marriage book, but it has saved and helped many marriages!)

Favorite marriage blogs: Scott Kedersha, Marriage More, Stay Married  

Miscellaneous: Personality Test Site — this may seem odd, but this site not only gives you your Myers-Briggs personality type, but also a long explanation of how your personality type affects your career, friendships, marriage, parenting, etc.

I’m ISFJ, and the description is almost unbelievable in its accuracy. My immediate family on both sides spent one Christmas afternoon doing this for everyone — it was incredibly interesting! Fun Fact: My mother-in-law and I are the same personality, and my sister-in-law and father-in-law are the same personality. So basically my husband and his brother married their parents… See? Enlightening! 🙂

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I would love to hear from you! What is the most important point on this list for your marriage to avoid autopilot? What would you add? Any encouraging marriage resources to share?