Would I Have Stood Up?

I love Jesus. I believe he is the Son of God, my Savior, Redeemer, my Shepherd, and my Friend. I believe He loves me as His child. I believe He created all things, is all-knowing, the beginning, the end. I believe He came to earth as a man, felt our pain, our suffering, wept over his friend’s death, celebrated with His friends at weddings, preformed miracles, invited twelve, simple, human men to be His closest companions – even though He knew one would betray Him. I believe He stayed nailed to that cross because of His love for me, for you, for every single person He created. The Lord has walked with me through the darkest places of my life, and I believe rejoiced with me in the days when my happiness never seemed to end.

Yet, as I sit here, reflecting on another inexplicable tragedy involving innocent lives stolen too soon, I can’t help but ask myself the question –

Would I have stood up?

About a month ago, yet another heart-shattering shooting occurred and per first reports from student witnesses, the shooter pointed at students and asked them to stand up if they were Christians. If they did stand up – silently, strongly professing their love for their Lord – he shot them. Killed them. No other questions asked. Since the first release of information – news outlets updated their initial reports with a variety of conflicting stories, but my initial question continues to resonate in my heart.

Would I have stood up?

My imagination can only pretend to comprehend what a scene like that looks like. The cacophony of voices. The horror. The screams. The tears. The complete and utter chaos. The fight to live. The chance you might die, as others do, all around you. I tremble thinking of the shock, the devastation, the trauma through which all involved walk.

Would I have stood up?

I wholeheartedly want to believe I would have. Without question. I do believe the Bible. I do believe Paul’s writing in Philippians that says, “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain (1:21).” I don’t question where I would go if a bullet stole my next breath. I want to say it would have been a simple reflex, a knowing as His peace gave me strength enough to send the message to my legs to slowly rise. To take a stand for Him…yet…

Would I have stood up?

My heart shouts yes – of course you would! Yet my mind doubts, wonders, twists and turns in its indecision, my indecision. My mind forces me to engage my very real humanity, right down at the center of its core, I don’t want to die yet. I just want a little more time. Please, Lord, just a little more time, I know there’s so much more than this life, but I just want a little more time… Fear has a voice – and it slithers into the crevices of my doubt, into my purely human desire for a little more time…a little more of this earthly life…

Would I have stood up?

Spending four years in the intensive care unit as a nurse forces you to face death more times than you thought possible in the bubble that was nursing school. I had the honor, the sacred honor, to hold patients’ hands as they passed from this world to another. It never became easier. No matter the age, the stage, or the situation – the pain, the grief, the seeming finality of death wafts its way past your professional, battle-worn, emotional barricade. I’ve seen death – watched how much we strive (we fight, we push, we do everything humanly possible) to prevent it. I’ve seen how much a body can withstand. How much it is ingrained in human nature to fight for every last bit of life. So I attempt to appease myself with those thoughts – it is natural to want to live a long, full life, free of a tragic death…I’ve seen it firsthand.

Would I have stood up?

Every fiber in me longs to say yes – I mean what kind of Christian am I to even doubt? Surely, surely, no one else ever faced this conundrum — yet I write my heart, my vulnerability out in black and white:

I don’t know.

Yet I know someone Who does know. And I believe He’s big enough to handle my hard questions – my fears, my doubts, my wonderings. He doesn’t see me as less than for questioning, Jesus doesn’t see anyone as less than – the ground is level at the foot of the cross. Yet, will He grant my desire for a long, peace-filled life – without a chance that I would face this deceptively simple question in reality?

I don’t know the thoughts of God, but I have more of an idea about the answer to this question. I don’t think so. He never promised there wouldn’t be trouble, that this world isn’t evil, that humankind isn’t sinful. Yet, He promised something greater — He would be there through it all, and He would be there at the end. No matter what that end looks like – whether it’s in a hospital room, a classroom, on a highway, or in my home — when I close my eyes for the last time, I open them to the glory of my Savior, Jesus Christ.

Despite that promise, I still struggle with fear, with uncertainty in these indescribable times of tragedy that seem to be devastatingly commonplace in this world we live. So much pain, suffering, and heartbreak — anxiety can so easily find a foothold and never let us live life to the fullest. But I don’t think that’s what He intended either.

Would I have stood up?

I think Jesus wants us to stand up for Him daily – acknowledging Him, praising Him, serving Him, loving all the people He created, and living life to the fullest. Maybe one day taking a stand, claiming Jesus, does mean you meet Him sooner, but the God I trust with my life, I trust to carry me to my heavenly home however, whenever that time may be.

Some may think this approach is too simple; to some logical, analytical folks, it may seem cliché; to others, maybe a question with an incredibly easy answer that needs no reflection in the first place; but to those who may have wrestled with this question along with me – you’re not alone. Maybe you’re not even out there – but if you are, I hope this encourages you, surrounds you, breathes some peace in your heart as you trust and believe in our God who is big enough for our questions, strong enough to lead us home, and Who loves us enough to promise us an eternity in heaven with Him. No matter what facilitates our arrival there.

Would I have stood up?

[Jesus said] “Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul…Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” {Matthew 10:28-31}

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To the brave, beautiful souls who did stand up on October 1st, 2015 and to those around the world who stand up for Jesus even at the cost of losing their lives – Godspeed. May Jesus forever be glorified by your courage, faith, and your lives that were so well lived.